it costs 120 dollars a week. that is with my insurance.

my counselor put in a request to do a sliding scale fee for a more manageable 15 dollars per session.

it was denied today.
because i have (expensive) private insurance. what good does it do me if i can’t even afford services that are being offered to me? most of the time i can’t even afford my 40 dollar copay.

this out-patient treatment is something that has been strongly encouraged for me to do by two separate counselors. i am willing to do this, but i can’t afford it. my parents can’t help me; they can’t afford it.

i guess now i really have to work on my powers of discipline.

I will start with a passage from a book I just recently finished: Everything Is Illuminated, by Jonathan Safran Foer.  It has been awhile since I have been moved by a book and this book touched on so many different emotions it was hard to pinpoint which one affected me the most.  The following passage deals with love lost, not won, to be had, and everything in-between.  I am sure you too can find some solace and beauty in these words.

They made for themselves a sanctuary (from Trachimbrod), a habitat completely unlike the rest of the world. No hateful words were ever spoken, and no hands raised.  More than that, no angry words were ever spoken, and nothing was denied.  But more than that, no unloving words were ever spoken, and everything was held up as another small piece of proof that it can be this way, it doesn’t have to be that way; if there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it heavy walls, and we will furnish it with soft red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweler’s felt so that we should never hear it.  Love me, because love doesn’t exist, and I have tried everything that does.

The reason I pick this passage is because there is some hope behind it… and that’s what I need from this world.  Hope to believe in love and that everything will be ok.

—>Melinda